Harry Potter and the Mortician's Bone
by mizmoosecanaduh
Summary: Harry Potter starts his wizard training in a strange way. The title should explain the wackyness
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter and the Mortician's Bone  
A/N: I do not own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does. If you don't believe  
me, you are stupider then me. Readers enjoy. ^_^  
CHAPTER 1:  
*Kings Cross, platform 9 and 3 quarters*  
Harry- Hello, I'm the famous Harry Potter. You are you a Weasley?  
Ron- Yep.  
Harry- So, you have numerous brothers and 1 sister?  
Ron- Yep.  
Harry- And you're poor?  
Ron- Yep.  
Harry- I'm way more richer than you'll ever be in your life span of 63  
years?  
Ron- Correct.  
Harry- Want to be best friends forever, until one of us dies in a freak  
flying accident?  
Ron- Okay.  
Harry- Do you know how to get onto the platform?  
Ron- Yeah.  
Harry- How?  
Ron- Easy.  
Harry- Do you always talk in 1 word sentences?  
Ron- Do you always ask too many questions?  
*Hermione walks into story*  
Hermione- I know how to onto the platform. In fact, I know a lot of  
things. I know so many things, that my I.Q. is 300 times bigger than your  
brains put together in Switzerland.  
R&H- Shut up!  
Hermione- Fine. You can find your way without my help.  
*runs around barrier 5 times while muttering like an idiot and suddenly  
disappears*  
Ron- You'd think muggles would have noticed people vanishing into thin air  
by now.  
Harry- Muggles are about as smart as mixing fire and gasoline.  
Ron- Come on.  
Harry- What do you mean?  
Ron- We're going to get to the platform.  
Harry- How?  
Ron- We do what she did.  
Harry- What? You mean run around the barrier 5 times while muttering like  
an idiot?  
Ron- Exactly.  
Harry- Awesome.  
A/N: Hope you liked it. I know it's perverted and stupid, but it's funny.  
Right? Right? RIGHT? Hello! *audio audience clapping tape starts  
playing*  
Thanx, plz r&r. 


	2. the sorting ceremony

CHAPTER 2:  
A/N: I do not own Harry Potter. If you don't believe me, you probably  
have the brain mass of a worm. Readers enjoy. ^_^  
*waiting to enter the Great Hall*  
Harry: Hello everybody, I'm the rich and famous Harry Potter that everyone  
adores and loves!  
Draco: You're not Harry Potter, you don't even have glasses or a scar.  
Harry: Contacts.  
Draco: What about the scar?  
Harry: Lost it.  
Hermione: Harry, it's scientifically impossible for a scar to just walk off  
a person's face.  
All: HE'S A WIZARD YOU IDIOT!  
Hermione: Why does everyone hate me? *crys*  
McGonagall: 1st years, come with me.  
*walks into Great Hall*  
McGonagall: When I call your name you will sit on the stool, and be sorted  
in front of everyone who will point and laugh at you if you are sorted into  
Hufflepuff.  
Hermione: I read in Hogwarts, A History that the Sorting Hat was a wizard's  
cap, not a construction helmet.  
All: WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!  
Hermione: Does anyone care about my fragile, pathetic, feelings? *balling*  
McGonagall: Ron Weasley.  
Hat: GRYFFNDOR!  
McGonagall: Harry Potter.  
*Harry steps up*  
McGonagall: You're not Potter.  
Harry: Yes I am.  
McGonagall: No.  
Harry: Yes  
McGonagall: NO!  
Harry: YES I AM!  
Snape: He yells like a Potter.  
McGonagall: Oh, whatever. Just go ahead.  
Hat: GRYFFNDOR!  
McGonagall: Hannah Abbot.  
Hat: HUFFLEPUFF!  
*everyone point and laughs at Hannah*  
A/N: did you like? Plz r&r. *puppy eyes* 


	3. potions class

CHAPTER 3:  
A.N: Sorry about the format. I don't know what's wrong with my computer.  
Again I do not own Harry Potter. There are no words to describe you if you  
think I do. Here's a list of reasons I'm not J.K. Rowling:  
I'm not British.  
I'm 13 years old.  
My name's not J.K. Rowling.  
If you still think I'm lying, I really can't come up with a term to  
describe your level of intelligence.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
*Snape's Potion's Class*  
All- Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.  
Snape- Shut up you stupid gits! This class doesn't involve foolish wand  
waving, silly incantations, and I wish it didn't include you bunch of  
worthless filth. I can teach you to bottle fame, brew glory, ensnarl the  
senses, and even put a stutter in death. If you shut up and bow down to me  
it is 1% possible you can achieve this. Now everyone bow down to your  
master and chant- -  
Hermione- Excuse me, Professor, but communism in the classroom was banned  
from Hogwarts in 1728 to reassure the safety of the - -  
Snape- Shut up Potter!  
Hermione- Professor, I'm not Potter, I'm Hermione Ann Granger! Why doesn't  
anyone care enough to know my name? *cries*  
Snape- SHUT UP POTTER!!  
*Hermione runs out of the class crying and heading to the bathroom*  
Snape- WOO HOO!! That's the 7,258,935 child to run out of my dungen in a  
hysterical rage of tears! McGonagall will never catch up with me now!  
*makes mark on chart*  
Harry- Snape, since I'm the famous Harry Potter, don't you think that I  
should give 10 galleons to every person in Gryffndor in this dungen instead  
of you teaching us crap?  
Snape- Shut up Potter. You too Longbottom!  
Neville- What did I do to deserve this? *crys and runs out of dungen*  
Snape- WOO HOO!! Another one for me!  
A/N: Hope u liked it. Plz r&r! *_* 


End file.
